Hidden and Forgotten

This is a short story I'd written for my Advanced Creative Writing course in college, when the goal of the assignment was to deal with a sense of mystery; I took it one step further, and I decided to deal with surrealism and using flashbacks to reveal something about the main character; what influenced me was a question from the Harry Potter sorting quiz, a question that was along the lines of, "What scares you most?" And my answer was along the lines of, "Waking up one day and being completely forgotten by my family and friends." Another influence was John Cheever's "The Swimmer," which was a story of a man swimming through infinite pools and reflecting upon everything that happened in his life, and it revealed the things that the character was most uncomfortable with. 

So, therefore, I present to you my short story which I call "Hidden and Forgotten," a story of a young woman searching for her identity, taking place during the 1990's, a time when the Internet and cell phones were becoming accessible to the public, and R-E-N-T became one of the biggest Broadway musicals in the world. 

The minute Ariana opened her eyes that morning, she knew something wasn’t right.

It wasn’t that anything around her seemed different. Her dorm room at St. Anne’s Academy for Girls had the same view of South Dakota, the immense wilderness and the natural warmth of the sunlight streaming into her window was the same as it had been the previous day. The thick forest of evergreen trees blanketed the grounds of the school, providing lush shade during the warm summers, and a place for snowflakes to cling to in the cold winters. The hourly church bell from the school’s cathedral rang through the air.

So, what was so different? Maybe it was the cold sensation that she felt trickling down her spine, as though icy water was slowly seeping its way into her veins. Or perhaps, it was how tired she felt, as though she were heavily weary, despite having gotten an adequate amount of sleep the night before.

            Blinking her hazel eyes, she caught sight of her reflection in the mirror attached to the wardrobe. Her blonde hair and round face remained consistent. The pimple that had been residing on her nose since October was still there. So, physically, she was still the same, at least from what she could see.

            Exhaling, the sixteen-year-old kicked the blankets off her body. And as she glanced at her alarm, it read 10:00 A.M.

            That meant she’d missed all of first period, Geometry.

            It was as though the wind got knocked out of her, leaving her chest tight with apprehension. She was never late for any of her classes. If anything, she was oftentimes accused of being too early for class. Knowing she’d missed her entire first period caused a knot to form in the pit of her stomach, twisting her insides with a nauseating sensation.

            “Dammit!” she whispered. “Mr. Barnes is gonna kill me for missing class!”

            With that in mind, she rushed towards the wardrobe that was in the room, which held her blue-and-white plaid skirt and dress shirt, as well as her school tie. Only when she opened the doors to the wardrobe, her school uniform wasn’t in sight, as though it had disappeared out of thin air.

That was the first sign of something not being right. The second sign? Ashlee, who’d been her roommate since freshman year, entered the room. Except the look Ashlee gave her was glazed-over, before morphing into that of pure confusion and worry.

            “I’m sorry, but who are you?” Ashlee asked her.

            Ariana forced out a laugh. “Very funny, Ashlee. Very funny.”

            “What are you doing in my room?” Ashlee sounded completely confused, almost afraid. The expression in her eyes was one of pure panic, one that shouldn’t have been present, given how long they’ve known one another.

            “Ashlee, you’ve known me for two years. I’m your roommate,” countered Ariana, raising an eyebrow.

            “No! I don’t!” Ashlee’s face went white as a sheet as she slowly backed out of the room. “Whoever you are, get out of my room!”

            “I can’t just leave!” Ariana argued, trying to keep her voice from wavering. “This is my room, too! If I leave, where else am I supposed to go?”

            Before Ariana could say much else to try convincing Ashlee otherwise, Ashlee just as quickly bolted out of the room.

            Shaking her head, Ariana thought, Okay, this is all a joke. I’ll just call home. Yeah, that’s right.

But when she reached for her cellphone and went through her contacts, the next thing that startled her was all her contacts in her phone weren’t there. Not a single one. Her friends’ and family members’ phone numbers were nowhere to be found at all. Looking through her history of recent phone calls, she saw there were none.

            Swallowing hard, she dialed her mother’s number, going off pure memory. Putting the phone to her ear, the phone rang and rang, until finally, it went to her mother’s voicemail.

            “Hello, I’m not available. Please leave a message, and I will get back to you soon.”

            Swallowing hard, Ariana thought, Okay, she’s probably on her way to work. With that in mind, she replied with, “Hey, Mom . . . uh, something weird is going on at school. Give me a call back, please?”

            But even as she left the message, uncertainty enveloped her. This was out of character for her mother. Normally, she answered her phone immediately when she called. For her not to answer, it was very disconcerting for Ariana.

Glancing downward at her cell phone again, she contemplated calling her father’s number. Quickly, with trembling fingers, she punched in his number. Except, he didn’t pick up the phone. Hearing his voicemail on the other end, she felt vertiginous.

“Hello, you have reached the phone of Ronald O’Conner. I can’t come to the phone right now, so leave a message and I’ll call you back. Thank you.”

Tears beginning to blur her vision, Ariana choked out, “Dad . . . I don’t know what’s going on. But, please, call me back.”

Pacing the room, she waited, hoping her father would call her back. Looking down at her cellphone, she prayed to see his number flash. After nearly five minutes, she shook her head, as if to clear it, and she dialed the number again, hoping that he would pick up. Once more, the call went to a voice mail.

“Dad, please, pick up. This isn’t funny!” Ariana gasped out. Determined not to give up just yet, though, she tried one more time, only to be met with the same results.

It was as though the world had ended. And as she sunk onto her bed, she felt numb. It was as though she couldn’t feel any part of her body at all, as she truly began believing that she’d been erased, that she’d never been alive, ever. It was hallowing, her heart feeling desolate as she sunk into the realization that everyone had forgotten about her. She barely registered the footsteps outside her door, or the muffled voices of her headmaster and a security guard talking in hushed tones.

The color drained from her face slowly as she turned her head in the direction of her door, only to see Ashlee returning with one of the school’s security guards, as well as the headmaster, Mr. Allenton.

            “Young lady,” Mr. Allenton said in a quiet, yet stern voice, “I fear that you are trespassing upon school grounds, and that I must ask you to leave.”

            Ariana swallowed hard, saying, “Mr. Allenton, I – I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’ve been a student here for the past two years.”

            Mr. Allenton looked at her in incomprehension, his eyes signifying that he didn’t recognize her at all whatsoever.

            “I have never seen you before,” he said. “Are you sure that you are a student here?”

            “My name’s Ariana O’Conner,” she replied tensely, hating how her voice tremored. “I’m a junior, sir.”

Mr. Allenton stepped forward sternly. “There is no record of such a name in our system. As far as I know, there has never been an Ariana O’Conner at St. Anne’s Academy. Are you sure that you are supposed to be here? Are you feeling alright? If need be, we can call someone for you.”

            Ariana felt numb. The words of her headmaster seemed to grow fainter in her ears as she stood there, the cold perspiration making its journey down the back of her neck. Her vision blurred as black dots danced before her eyes.

            “Miss O’Conner, please leave, or you will be escorted out,” demanded Mr. Allenton, his voice firm. Yet he also sounded kind, as if he pitied her. No. Ariana didn’t want his pity. She knew she was supposed to be here. It wasn’t like she wasn’t real. She was a person, with hair, and nails, and fingers, and toes. She couldn’t have just been erased from existence like this.

            Mr. Allenton sighed deeply, as though he truly regretted what it was that he had to do. “Security,” he said, “kindly escort her out of the school, please.”

Once more, Ariana found that her voice didn’t work as she security guard stepped forward, taking her by the arm and leading her out of the dorm room. And as she was escorted away, she got a view of her classmates, who were piling into the corridor to stand there and watch.

Whispers sounded through the halls. Except, Ariana couldn’t understand what they were saying, as everything was muffled, to the point where her classmates’ voices sounded like hornets buzzing loudly. She never thought something so quiet could sound so loud.

She watched as they stood there, pointing at her in confusion and gawking in her direction. And as she walked through the halls and down the long, spiraled staircase, her classmates’ faces became blurred and faceless, to a point where she couldn’t even recognize them. Their eyes, mouths, and noses were nonexistent, just distorted, nebulous blobs of mixed colors and textures.

            How? she thought as she stumbled along, shivering harshly. This can’t be happening. No, no it’s not real. Please, let this be a dream. Please.

            She barely registered the security guard’s grasp on her arm as he guided her along out of the school – the place she considered a second home. No. It was home for her. When she wasn’t living with her parents and sisters, this was the place she most belonged. Everything around her blurred, and she found herself unable to remember the name of her school, the environment that surrounded her, the names of her classmates. The only thing she could hear was her heart pounding in her ears, pulsing rapidly as she gulped, slowly forgetting how to breathe, how to think, how to speak . . .

She wasn’t certain when she reached the front doors of St. Anne’s Academy. But there she stood, outside the school wearing nothing more than her pajamas. Standing there barefoot in the frosted-over ground outside the school, she shivered harshly as she looked behind her, longingly. The cold of early November penetrated her borne skin, adding further to the cold sensation that seeped through her.

            What am I? she thought as she stood there, wrapping her arms around her upper torso. Am I real? Am I anything?

            Tears glazed her eyes as she began walking, dazed, away from the school’s residence halls, towards the gates, knowing that she couldn’t go back.

            Walking onward, Ariana’s mind spun with uncertainty. Something within her tugged at her to keep on walking. To where, she didn’t know. But while her mind was telling her one thing, her heart was telling her another altogether.

            Looking behind her, the name of the school blurred before her eyes, as though it were being erased from her memory. Her knees turning to jelly, she fell to the frozen-over grass beneath her as her breathing grew ragged. She tried to grasp for the straws in her memory, trying to remember anything related to the life she’d had before this horrible morning. She refused to believe that she’d just been erased; that she’d never existed.

            Grasping the grass in her fists, Ariana looked down at her hands, her vision still blinded by the warm tears making their way down her face. Despite having nearly no memory of anything, for some reason, she could remember one thing, as vague as it was. But it clung onto her memory, not allowing her to forget, tormenting her mind tantalizingly . . .

The sweat perspired down her forehead as she entered the locker rooms. Peeling off her “St. Anne’s Academy Gym Class” t-shirt over her head, Ariana felt winded, yet energized. Wiping her face, Ariana sucked in a deep breath, closing her eyes briefly before reaching for the change of clothes lying on the bench by her locker. 

            But as she bent downward, her gaze landed upon junior, Hazel Atwood, who was changing across from her. Her soccer teammate was rolling her shoulders back, her long, caramel-colored waves flowing down effortlessly, her bright green eyes warm. Looking at Hazel, Ariana felt something warm build up within her chest as she sucked in a breath, but then forgot how to breathe.

            There had been many instances like this over the past few weeks, where she’d look at Hazel and feel as though the wind got knocked out of her. Ariana didn’t know what this feeling was. But she felt light-headed as she watched Hazel remove her gym shirt, which gave her the every so brief glimpse of a lace Victoria’s Secret bra, only to replace it with her button-down top, school tie, and sweater, before moving onto changing into her plaid skirt.

            It was hard not to stare. The boys from their brother school, St. Luke’s, all vied for the chance to take Hazel with them to homecoming. Everyone, boys and girls alike, thought she was vivacious, beautiful, and likeable. She was nice to everybody, and had been especially kind towards Ariana, especially when she’d arrived at the school freshman year.

            The whole time Hazel undressed from her gym clothes, Ariana found that she couldn’t take her eyes off Hazel’s feminine, slender features as she felt this yearning, deep down in her heart that threatened to burst out. Everything from her silken hair, to her vibrant eyes, to her soft lips left Ariana dazed, as though her bones were melting to pure liquid. Her heart beat a little faster as Hazel turned, facing her, an easy smile gliding across her heart-shaped face as she tied her school tie around her neck . . .

            Wait, what? Ariana thought, her yearning suddenly replaced by a stark sense of unease as she quickly averted her gaze towards her clothing, all the while secretly hoping and praying to God that Hazel hadn’t noticed her staring for far too long.

            Am I . . .? No, no I can’t be, thought Ariana, shaking herself as she repressed any thought she might’ve had regarding Hazel. But even as Hazel left the locker room, once more, Ariana’s eyes traveled, watching her leave, her heart feeling surprisingly heavy, even to her.

Gasping, the memory faded away as Ariana knelt there, clinging to the grass as she tried denying the undeniable. But that tantalizing thought lingered in her mind, as though God himself were trying to get her to admit it.

            You know what you are, her conscience seemed to be whispering to her. You’re just too ashamed to admit it to your own friends . . . your family. What does that make you? An even bigger sinner. A liar. A coward. Stop lying to yourself, and admit it. Admit what you are.

            The inner voice echoed loudly in her ears, practically pounding at her eardrums as her breathing grew more ragged. She felt sick with the realization as she desperately tried pushing it off, shaking her head in denial.

            Accept it. Let it go, that inner voice told her once more.

            “Quiet,” she whispered pleadingly. “Shut up! Just shut up!”

            You can’t live a lie forever. You thought you could suppress it. But you cannot.

            Ariana shook her head violently. She just couldn’t. She remembered her pastor back home, what he’d preached to her the summer before she left for boarding school.

            “Marriage is between one man, and one woman, no other way around. Those who seek these ungodly relationships are sinners, therefore, we must show them the error of their ways through His love.”

            Everyone in the church hadn’t disagreed. When the pastor had said those words, there had been “Amens” all around, even from her parents and her older brother and sister, Dinah and Justin.

            So, therefore, she couldn’t be a . . . she didn’t even want to say that word. But the longer she bottled it up, the sicker she felt. Her abdomen twisted sharply, leaving a stabbing pain that seared like a white-hot poker.

            Tears streaming down her face, Ariana looked upward towards the sky, as though preparing to cry out to God himself as she grew increasingly agitated.

            How can you be honest with anyone when you cannot even be honest with yourself? Free yourself of this burden. Let it go. Give it to someone else.

            “No . . . No, I can’t,” she sobbed, her heart feeling as though it were about to burst.

            Yes, you can. You must.

            Those words echoed loudly, booming in her ears as she closed her eyes once more, remembering Hazel . . . her beautiful face, those full lips that were so soft, that they made her almost want to . . .

            Letting out a strangled gasp, Ariana choked out, “I – I’m gay!”

            The words practically spilled past her lips like vomit, and as she spoke the truth that had been tantalizing her for so long, she felt lighter. Her chest unclenched. Her fists loosened around the frozen blades of grass. Her limbs stopped shaking.

            She said it once more. “I’m gay.”

            It was the part of her that she’d pushed away and denied, the truth she’d hidden for so long. And as the truth washed over her, she also felt this odd clarity, this warmth that she hadn’t felt in so long. She figured if God were sending her a message, this was it.

            How can anyone truly know you if you hide this part of yourself from them?